Introduction:
I have always struggled
with being a shy person. In the past I have had very few really close friends. For
a good part of my life I have just had acquaintances. Of course this is partly
normal, and it is unreasonable to think that every person we meet or spend time
with will become a close friend, but for much of my teen years and even until
recently in my twenties, I really struggled with connecting with people. I
think this is something we all experience at one time or another. But for me it
became very frustrating. I just wanted to have some “best friends,” a group that
I felt like I belonged in. I had tried different activities and places to try
to meet people, but none of these friendships ever really lasted. It was
frustrating to say the least. A while back though, I read a book with one of my
cousins that was really interesting. It sort of changed everything for me, as
silly as that might sound. I was really hoping that I could use it for this project,
so I’m very happy it went along with some of the material we covered in our
class. So, all that being said, what I would like to share with all of you, is
the topic of vulnerability, and how it affects us and our relationships.
Why did you choose this topic?
Quite simply, I
chose this topic because I think it is very interesting. Not only do I think it
is interesting though, I also think it is very relevant. It doesn’t matter who
you are, at some point you will probably feel disconnected from everyone around
you, but we must have the courage to overcome this if we ever want to build
meaningful relationships.
What is Vulnerability?
The book I referred
to above is called “Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown. In her book, Brown
defines vulnerability as this, she states, “Vulnerability is not knowing victory
or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being
all in.” (Brown, B 2012). She goes on to say, “Rather than sitting on the
sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we
must dare to show up and lest ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability.
This is daring greatly.” (Brown, B
2012). Letting ourselves be seen. I know for me personally, it can be hard to
really just be myself. I’m always wondering what people think of me and am very
aware of how I should act, or thinking about what I should say, rather than
just saying what I really think. We often become so concerned with just
blending in that we forget that we don’t have to be like everyone else.
Ultimately we sometimes don’t believe that others will actually like us for who
we are. So, what I’m getting at is that vulnerability is essential to human
connection, which is what I would like to discuss next.
The importance of connection:
In our textbook we
read an article called “The Lifecycle of Friendship.” At the very beginning of
that article, the author states, “Although their significance often is
overlooked, friendships are an important source of meaning, happiness,
enjoyment, and love.” (Fehr, B 1996). The documentary we watched called “Happy”
also really showed us the importance of human connection and how it is linked
with being happy. One of the elderly women interviewed from the island of
Okinawa quite simply stated, “Having a lot of friends is happiness.”
(Everyone wants to be happy!)
Similarly,
comedian/educator Michael Pritchard who was also interviewed in the documentary
says, “Joys comes from connection to others.” I personally think this is very
true. I know that in my own life, the times where I have felt the most happy is
when I’m spending time with those who I feel a deeper connection with. When I
feel like people understand me or at least accept me, those are the times I feel most
satisfied. Brene Brown, who has a Ph.D.
in social work also says in her book, “The surest thing I took away from my
BSW, MSW, and Ph.D. in social work is this: Connection is why we’re here.”
(Brown, B 2012). We all long for it, we all need it, but what is holding us
back? Why is it so hard to be vulnerable so that we can have these meaningful
connections? This brings me to the next section of my project. Shame.
So what’s holding us back? Answer: This nasty little thing called shame.
First, let me
define shame. In some of her earlier research, Brown wrote an article
discussing women and shame. In that article, she says this, “The definition of shame that emerged from the research is,
‘An intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and
therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.’” (Brown, B 2006). Brown also
talks about what she calls the “web of shame” which is a combination of things
and people telling us what, who, and how we should be, which in the end leaves
us feeling trapped, powerless, and isolated.
The fact is, we all have shame, and it’s a
universal emotion. Brown recognized that, “the only people who don’t experience
shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection.” (Brown, B. 2012).
Shame itself is not the issue though, the problem is when we actually begin to
think there is something wrong with us, and then we start to act on those beliefs.
So you might be wondering how we overcome shame. This is a process that Brown
refers to as shame resilience. She states, “Shame resilience is the ability to
say, ‘This hurts. This is disappointing, maybe even devastating. But success
and recognition and approval are not values that drive me. My value is courage
and I was just courageous. You can move on shame.’” (Brown, B. 2012). I think
it actually takes a lot of courage to believe we are truly worthy of love and
connection. To believe that we are good enough for whatever it is we are
aspiring to. “To set down those lists of what we’re supposed to be is brave. To love ourselves and support each
other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of
daring greatly.” (Brown, B. 2012).
Conclusion/What I hope others will learn:
I hope that from
reading this, you have a little bit of a better understanding of the importance
of being real and authentic. As I have already mentioned, human connection is a
great source of happiness, more than money, jobs, material things, etc. It
gives meaning to our lives. In order for us to form those connections though,
we must be vulnerable. This means getting past whatever shame we are holding on
to, believing we are enough, and allowing others to truly see the people we
are. This requires us to be brave though, probably even braver than we realize,
but I believe in the end it’s worth it. Already for myself I have been able to
connect with people better when I realized the areas in my life where I felt I
wasn’t good enough and made the choice to move past those things. If you are
willing to do this, you just might be surprised at the outcome, in a good way
that is!
Go Be Brave!
References:
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be
Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York:
Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
Brown, B. (2006). Shame Resilience Theory: A Grounded Theory
Study on Women and Shame.
Fehr, B. (1996). The Life Cycle of Friendship.
Brene Brown's Ted Talk
